By DEBORAH BLAIR

In January I attended the workshop Fred offered on trauma and resilience. Rather than understanding trauma and how it relates to me, I had initially considered registering for the workshop primarily because I was interested in understanding intellectually how the word “trauma” is being used today in popular culture, and how to use the historical Buddhist perspective related to resilience. But that’s not what happened for me.  

Instead, I found myself signing up for the workshop because of the experience I had growing up in my family. We didn’t call it, “Going No Contact” or “Ghosting” in those days, but that’s what it was. There would be a colorful fight between two parties. Then months or years might pass before the parties spoke again.  Or the Ghosting might only last for a weekend. After the alcohol was out of the way, there would be a handshake, pat on the back, or a bro hug.

The Ghosting was always about one person feeling victimized by another and the victimizer defending their actions. On the periphery, other family members chose sides, whispered, and gossiped. I found this entire cycle of family behavior to be traumatic in the sense that the fights were never really resolved, and family members never really trusted one another. 

This cycle of Ghosting has been going on for multiple generations in my family, and was continuing with me and my daughter repeatedly “Going No Contact.”

To be honest, I ended up registering for the workshop simply because I wanted to learn how to fix this situation with my daughter. A huge expectation, right? But my daughter had contacted me shortly before the workshop, and we had begun to communicate once again, albeit very cautiously on my part. So I wanted our communicating to continue without “Going No Contact” again, but didn’t really know how to do that in a way that would build a foundation for resolving any future conflicts without resorting to repeated Ghosting. 

Trying to be openminded and willing as I entered the Meditation Hall for the workshop, I soon found a cushion where two people made space for me to sit. The group was large, and I was nearly late, which always rattles me. But soon everyone settled down, and the talk began. As Fred began to speak, I quickly realized that this workshop was not going to be like anything I had prepared myself for. Instead, Fred was sharing the kind of gentle understanding that I had come to expect from FCM workshops and retreats I’ve attended in the past. His perspective on trauma and resilience was also unexpected. 

Fred spoke of how the culture that we live in conditions our world view and beliefs, along with how we understand and experience trauma. He noted how the internet spreads ideas and news in ways that humans had never experienced before such technological advances.

He reminded us that life is full of unpleasant experiences, and that suffering is a basic tenet of Buddhism. He taught us how we can reframe trauma and become resilient by practicing Right View and understanding the causes of suffering—including how open communication helps us to understand ways in which others may experience our actions as causes of their own suffering.  

Overall, I left the workshop appreciating how we can reframe trauma and become resilient by practicing Right View, and committed to understanding better through opening myself to conversation with others about how my actions may be experienced as causes of suffering for them—suffering I’m unaware of unless it’s brought to my attention.  

Deborah Blair of Placida, FL, has been an FCM member for two years.